We, Pope Turing I, to all our subjects everywhere:

Whereas this day has seen a most egregious offence to our royal person;
and whereas by this offence the offender gained only a pittance; and
whereas our royal backpack, credit cards, mountain dew, drivers license,
borrowed books, bus pass, free kiss cards, towel, and mouse were lost;
and whereas our legal system has become recrementitious, the following
reforms to that system are effective immediately:

Whereas our royal person does not care whether you gamble for
matchsticks or money; and whereas our royal person does not care who
screws who in the ass so long as both parties are willing; and whereas
the events of the day demonstrate the need for redirection of resources
and attention, no one is to be prosecuted or fined for victimless crimes
henceforth.

Whereas it is incumbent upon us to eliminate crimes of violence, violent
offenders are to be immediately removed from the gene pool using any
means that seem felicitous. While the obvious methods are vasectomy and
tubal ligation, less technological methods may be substituted for
reasons of cumbrous expense or inconvenience. Public stoning will be
considered an acceptable method in extreme cases.

Whereas crimes of theft and fraud are enduring troubles, they shall
remain forbidden. Crimes that involve violations of multiple categories,
such as today's robbery at gunpoint, shall be met with severe wrath.

Lastly, whereas it is necessary to keep the populace civil, and reduce
the potential for victimization, every person shall be issued a firearm
upon reaching the age of reason.

Such being our will and pleasure.

From the palace of our residence the 5th day of February, 2003,

Pope Turing I